LINDA IKEJI AT 33 – TIME TO COME OUT OF THE CLOSET by JOSEPH SAMPSON EDGAR

Well sha I just stumbled on the news that this delectable beauty just turned 33 and would be celebrating her birthday in England, far away from me. Since she has decided to carry herself that far, let me quickly let her know my intentions towards her before one person out there without papers pour sand sand for my garri.

Linda Baby, I have spoken to you on a few occasions, I am that Investment Banker who has been trying to get you to partner with one of my clients.  Each time I call, you will pick the phone and in a smooth chocolaty voice turn down my request. I will just smile cos I know that you really do not understand the opportunity you are missing. 

One day as I was doing some research, I stumbled on the valuation of your blog and I screamed. I decided to pursue you through other means. Since you no gree business, let me kuku chase you. If you become my girlfriend, we can build a family business with me as the Chairman and you as my deputy.

I am offering you the opportunity to be a Calabar wife. This position comes with so much perks, that all your friends will die with envy. First after capturing you, I will send you to Uyo to my mama, so she will teach you the fine art of pounding yam and cooking Afang.  You will need these skills to build a successful career in my house. This would take you a whole four weeks, because as I see you so, we would need to build your muscles first before we start. Ma Calabar will also have to teach you how to pull out periwinkle from its shell. 

When you are through, you will now come back to Lagos and be introduced to your senior wife, who will also teach you the wonderful culinary skills of boiling Indomie. Now this has to be taken seriously, because it’s the only thing I eat after work. You will also be involved in school runs, so the Nanny can rest a bit. You will sleep on the floor as I do not expect your senior would allow you share our bed just yet. You will remove the wigs and revert to Calabar braids, cut your nails and start  using palm oil for your skin.

At 33, you are at the ripe age to join the family business. All these blog thing will have to stop, I don’t like the exposure. You will be involved in selling Garri. You have all it takes to make the business grow. You can talk and you have long hands that would be useful in dipping inside the bag while measuring the kondo as you sell.

You will not call me by name, you will always refer to me as Baba Etekamba and you must kneel each time you bring food for me to eat. You will never dish my food but you will be the expert in charge of serving it. You will also work closely with the driver to ensure that all the cars are in tip top shape. You will be allocated the only tokunbo car in the garage for your use, when you are going to the market.

This whole thing is looking very exciting, kindly send your application letter, stating very clearly, ‘ ‘Application to marry you Sir’. You can send it through Aloba, because he would be on the panel that would scrutinize your request and recommend your engagement or otherwise. Teeheee!!!!

Happy birthday my darling and God bless you and give you many more fruitful years. The wicked will not see you and you will continue to be a beacon of hope in our society. Stay blessed.

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BIMBO AKINTOLA SIZZLES AT TERRA KULTURE- BULL'S EYE SERIES BY JOSEPH SAMPSON EDGAR

ABIMBOLA AKINTOLA

JOSEPH SAMPSON EDGAR

She had chosen a full house to show us what experts call intense acting. Bimbo was the main pull in this two man play that was written by writer of reference Tyrone Terrence. It was an exciting story about a married couple who after 22 years of marriage were faced with a crisis of identity.  This led the man of the house to find solace in the arms of a much younger lover who so happened to be the friend of their young daughter.


What followed was a long night of introspection, accusation and counter accusation. The husband, Femi didn't understand why his wife could not see that she was the main force behind his indiscretion. Her nagging, cynicism, failure to hero worship him all, led him into the arms of the innocent but very charming arms of Susan.




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The play in it's final moment became dark and eerie with murder and suicide being our lot in the last scene of the play and a call from their kids wishing them a happy anniversary a fitting and ironical background.

Words have failed me as I try to describe Bimbo's performance. She displayed the whole range of emotions, so much so that she made up for her poor voice elocution with a kaleidoscope of body and facial characterisation which told the story ever so vividly to a stunned but packed audience.

She has kept her beauty all these years and no matter how she tried, I could not help but continue to marvel at her looks. Even the frumpy night dress she adorned could not whittle down her everlasting glow.  Femi himself was perfect in portraying the callous man of the house, who simply refused to accept that he had fallen. His gait, mannerism and theories resonated with every man in the audience who has cheated or slept with a young girl while still married. I saw a lot of guilty faces and I also witnessed a lot of pinching by wives who had gone through what Bimbo was portraying onstage.

The down side was the noise from the not so traditional theater going crowd. Maybe because of the holidays, the hall was packed full and some 'goats' brought their babies who as if planned decided to join the cast with their own unique cries and screams. These combined with the low voice projection from the stage removed a little from the excitement.

Despite the above, it was really an out of body experience as I remained transfixed at the energy and passion I was seeing on stage. At the end of the play, one guy went on his knees to propose to his girl.  She screamed and wept, the whole hall erupted in hollers and screams when the lady accepted even the cast joined in the merriment.

However, what crossed my mind, was why someone would choose a play that showed very graphically the tragedy that is today's marriages to propose. That was strange to me, but then again the magic of the moment may have led him to his own happiness.

It was fun, healthy fun and I wished it never ended but sadly it did and left me with a lot of questions about my own life as I drove into the NEPA deprived night.

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BULL'S EYE BY JOSEPH SAMPSON EDGAR- MGBN : a night of unending thrill

Bull's eye is strictly the writer's own opinion about things, situations, events etc. We are not liable for how he expresses himself. 

I knew I was in for the most exciting night of the year for me when I stumbled on Timi Dakolo as I  was checking into my hotel room in Yenogoa. This is one of my favourite balladeers who can deliver a song with the smoothness of a young Michael Bolton. We exchanged pleasantries as he hurriedly drove to the venue. I wondered why the hurry only for me to get into the room, switch on the TV set and discover the show had already started.

The venue was heavily guarded with an assortment of security personnel. This was because it was being held in the Banquet Hall of the Government House. The hall itself was a marvel and the stage transported me to Las Vegas. This was my first such event and I could not help but stare. The damsels all strutted out in magnificent gowns, gorgeously made hair: all looking quite elegant.


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I wondered backstage and got the shock of my life. I saw the ladies all prepped up for the swim suit segment.  The bikinis were so skimpy, I swooned and fainted. The girls all were so skinny that I immediately wanted to start feeding them. That for me was the low point of the event. You do not have to be that skinny to be beautiful. They looked gaunt and emaciated with their breast looking like small groundnut seeds on bony chest. I quickly got over that and continued to enjoy the scenery

While still backstage, I met the Limpopo crooner KayCee, who was as usual looking quite well turned  out. He was so nice and agreed to take a picture with me and was so patient even when my N100,000 Z10 Blackberry began to act up as usual. He patiently stood there holding my waist with me enjoying the smooth aroma of his expensive perfume praying that the phone should keep on messing up so that this Kodak moment would not end. I thanked him for his magnanimity and as you know my mouth well, asked him after his former partner, which I think was blessed with one of the greatest voices I have ever heard. He mumbled something I did not agree with, but I was not going to fight him this wonderful night, so I let it pass

The quality of the girls intellect has tremendously improved and I give kudos to the wonderful team at Silverbird for this.  One contestant talked about working with the disabled, linking it beautifully to the recent success of the Nigerian team to the Olympics. She received a loud ovation.

Finally the contestants were reduced to five. The clear crowd favourites were Miss Imo, Miss Adamawa and obviously Miss Bayelsa. For the first time, an Investment House-Investment One Financial Services Limited in it's bid to create more awareness in investment education was instituting a N500,000 portfolio management prize for the winner. The idea is to open an investment account for the Queen that would be managed by experts through out her reign and handed over to her after she relinquishes her title. Hopefully the money would have grown much more than the initial seed money.

So Miss Bayelsa emerged as the new queen to a loud ovation from the audience who were the home crowd. What has continued to marvel me is the need to keep on smiling by other contestants who just lost while still on stage. Me I for don vex commot for stage . But the training they have received makes them remain with poise, smiling while cursing and abusing the organizers internally.  Na wa.

The Bayelsa State Governor, announced that the event would continually be held in Bayelsa as part of his push to make the place a tourism destination. This led to tears and joy from all present. The MD of Polo LTD., Mr John Obayuwana came up also to congratulate the contestants too and reiterated his company's support of the pageant, especially through giving the queen a fantastic Cartier watch.

In conclusion, I learnt a few things: The leaner you are as a contestant, the better your chances of winning.  Nigerians still loves beauty pageants. The South-south attire is a beautiful garment. Soldiers and policemen (security operatives in general) could be nice and gentle. Always dress well to events because you can seat in VIP area even with a gbo gbo ero ticket and lastly eat before you go for any show.

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BULL'S EYE BY JOSEPH EDGAR- OJB JEZEREEL: THE TRAGEDY OF BEING A CELEBRITY

JOSEPH SAMPSON EDGAR

Now as usual, I will toe the other line. I will take a minority position. For the last one or two weeks, we have been daily assailed by the travails our lovely producer has been going through with his health. I have read that he has issues with his Kidney and needs urgently the sum of N15million to get treatment. All his colleagues have been rallying around him. One, I read even drove a N15m jeep to go make her own donation. At the last count, Don Jazzy, Psquare and Iyanya have all contributed to the Fund. It is slowly but surely grinding into a platform for publicity hungry ‘celebutants.

 

Forgive me, if I as much as I try refuse to be emotional with OJB’s plight. This should not be taken personal at all.  I have nothing against the young man, I have him in my prayers on a daily basis and really wish that he would raise all the money and get his health back. He still has a lot to give to us.

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I feel like this is a shame. Shame on our ‘stars’, shame on the system that encourages flippancy, shame on people that fate and talent have given a lift above the millions who die daily from lack of meager resources to treat even the simplest of diseases and yet die unnoticed.

What is the use of releasing one album, make all the money in 6 months that the rest of us can only dream of, then squandering the money on drinks, cars and loose women and end up in penury and the slightest illness, we see appeals, begging for Funds to treat themselves.  This to me is wicked. What of the millions who are dying from dysentery, cholera and malaria. The millions, who in all their lives have never earned N50,000.00 but who have to struggle to heal themselves. Who launches appeals for them, where are the so called stars who will run to their aids, where is the media, where are the Bloggers. All these should end.

People especially our “stars’ should learn how to manage their temporary wealth, so that they do not disturb our peace when they fall on illluck, which usually comes when they are no longer reigning. From Enebeli Enebuwa, to Sam Loco and now OJB, it’s the same story. Massive talent, wealth, squandering opportunities, ill-health and now appeals for donations.  All these should end abeg.

I once sat with Tony Okoroji , the ex-president of PMAN. He now runs a collection society. I begged him to consider a Trust Fund for these artistes. A fund that would take just 5% of their incomes and manage for them so that when the music stopped, they would have something to fall back on. Na lie, the man just looked me, like say I be leper. From Charly Boy to Segun Arinze, to Fred Amata to Obi Asika to Fiberesinma all turned me down. Only Peace Anyiam-Osigwe, that visceral amazon, who saw what I was talking about and worked assiduously with me to launch the Artiste Fund, which pitiably crashed due to the infighting and shallowness of what is today's Nollywood.

Some childish Artists just spent N30m on two cars. I laugh. He sings bubble-gum music. A genre that has no longevity. In another five years, if he is lucky to reign that long, a new style will emerge and he will stop reigning and at the point the music will end. If he has not planned well, we will start seeing appeals and launching when he comes down with chicken-pox. Meanwhile, when he was reigning, he was spending money like it was running out.

Abeg, there are real people looking for this kind of attention. People who have never in their lives seen good fortune and who are dying simply because they cannot afford the salt and sugar solution needed to keep their kids alive.

A word is enough for the wise. I don talk my own.

Bull's eye is written by Joseph Sampson Edgar. Every thing written are his own words and personal opinions. 

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BULL'S EYE JOSEPH EDGAR SAMPSON ASKS- WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU STUMBLE ON YOUR TEENAGE KID WATCHING PORN?

Joseph Edgar Sampson is our regular columnist, he writes the page known to all now as Bull's Eye. He writes or should we say shoots as he deems okay. No topic is a no go area for him, he loves to get people's reactions. He has those who loves and waits for his next write-ups and he has others also who given the chance would shoot him down. 

For today's write-up he has thought to provoke each and everyone's mind. There are those things we try to hide from, but that we can never run away from either we like it or not. His thought provoking question to all of us is-

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU STUMBLE ON YOUR TEENAGE KID WATCHING PORN?

This question shocks everybody I have asked. The kind of expression I get from people I throw this question at, range from bewilderment to screams. People especially females just freeze, squeeze their faces and begin to cast demons from me.

But the reality is that, porn is everywhere. Our phones, laptops, magazines everywhere and our kids daily assaulted with images and texts all lewd and enticing. The messages are so powerful that even matured people find it difficult to resist talk less of our young children.

So the question now is, what do you do if you are suddenly faced with this situation. Would you scream and faint, would you beat the child mercilessly, would you blame the father who would have accidentally left it for the kids to see, would you go into serious fasting and prayer or would you sit down and watch with the child.

Me I have no answer for this. Each time I look at my daughters, since this crazy thought crept into my head, I cringe.

Let me have your responses. What would you do? 

 

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MONALISA, LANRE NZERIBE, EGOR & OTHER STORIES. BULL'S EYE BY JOSEPH SAMPSON EDGAR

 

MONALISA CHINDA

MONA & LANRE

JOSEPH SAMPSON EDGAR

Me I don't see what these women see in this Lanre fellow o. I saw him the other day at Cafe Tranche and took my time to study him well. I came out of that session indifferent. I envy him sha, cos that Monalisa girl is a beauty.

The other day, I also saw Monalisa. A damsel with a wonderful skin and luscious lips. Fragile and svelte. So when I saw Lanre, the Disney movie,'Beauty and the beast came to mind.

I really do not know Lanre's claim to fame. I have always wondered why there is so much interest in him and his love life. Even if he has dated a mixture of fine women and forgettable ones, I still do not believe that he deserves all these attention. His mates are changing lives, positively influencing society and creating employment. But for my Egbon, each time his name is mentioned it's over one mature MILF or a gorgeous one like Monalisa.

This testimony by friend of the family is another matter entirely. This great PR work is so wonderful in it's stupidity that I cringed as I read. Let Mona who is enjoying the fruits of the romance be the one to tell us what she is enjoying in the romance. That is if we are even interested in listening. The rate at which we waste our time on frivolity is really amazing.

Time is going o. We would soon all start welcoming our grandchildren o. So we should all engage in more productive things, rather than interest ourselves with whose one that Lanre is dating. Cos from what I have read so far, he still has a lot more to do before arthritis gets to his tongue.

From the write up, I saw that Mona suffered physical abuse, Pele o. If I had known, I would have jumped in and saved her. There is nothing worse than beating up a woman, especially a 'yellow' woman. The skin will turn red and when the colour is artificially aided with cream, you will see a conflagration of colours. Green, yellow, blue and black. It's not funny o. With that Mona's colour, you will just see the South African flag all over her skin.

We thank God, that Lanre the well known defender of the universe had flown in to the rescue. His job is cut out for him. He has to be close to all the Chemist on the Island, cos he must not joke with the supply of creams and from the write up by the great family friend, Lanre is up to the task.

Well, Mona darling, should you ever get tired of Lanre, which I am sure you will, please do not hesitate to contact me through this platform. I have a data base of guys, better suited at taking care of women of your colour.

Egor, I will need you to write a testimonial on me so I can send to my partner who still cannot see my good sides despite all the Affang and Ngwo-Ngwo I have been buying.

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